The Heathen Guy (heathen_guy) wrote in bi_and_beyond,
The Heathen Guy


Most of you probably recall my previous rant concerning the term bisexual. In the late 1970's (around 1978 I believe) I decided to stop using such a vague, meaningless term and just say that I'm gay. Yeah, sure, I had a few girls after that, but for the most part I preferred male companionship. (Fancy way of saying I like dick.)

But in all honesty I've found that even "gay" doesn't work very well as a descriptive. It took me another 27 years to figure out why, but last weekend it all came together for me. I was at the ADF gathering talking to a man who surprised me by saying that he considered gays and lesbians to be "family". Suddenly I felt miles away from this guy. Why? Because being gay doesn't make you a part of my family in any way. It's irrelevant unless you're wanting to date me. I was still mulling over this (not out loud, obviously) when this same man asked me if Scott was Pagan. And I thought that was an incredibly stupid question. That's when the epiphany crashed down on me.

There's a difference between being sexually gay and being culturally gay.

I used to think it was just a matter of priorities, but maybe I don't really have much in common at all with most of the people who describe themselves as "gay Pagans". Culturally I am not gay. I'm Pagan, pure and simple. That's how I define myself and how I define the people around me. And this makes sense to me because a person's beliefs are a large part of who he is. They're the source of his ethics and values. Of course Scott's a Pagan. I would never consider someone as a life partner if he weren't Pagan. Sure, I'll have sex with a gay cowan and enjoy it immensely, but that (to me) is essentially nothing more than a means of getting my nut off*. The person I actually share my life with has to be somebody who, well, I can share my life with. (I'm not trying to convince anyone of this. I realize that mixed marriages are very fashionable in Pittsburgh, and that's okay if it's your bag. It's just not something I could do.) When I'm at a Pagan event like the ADF gathering, everybody there is sort of like "family" because we share a polytheistic world view. I may not like some of them (hah!) but I recognize a shared kinship. Because culturally I'm a Pagan man.

I don't feel this way about gay people. Which is good because life would get very confusing, I think, when you toss in the bisexuals and the mostly-straight-but-like-to-plays and the various other possible manifestations of human sexuality.

When it comes to sex, though, I'm pretty much gay. I enjoy the smell of a man. The taste. But maybe "gay" isn't the right word for me. People assume things. Language can be so inadequate.
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Language can be so inadequate.
and i am actually glad that you brought this back up- bc i wanted to kind of continue this discussion....
i term myself "bi" for ease.
i really really hate labels.
i never FIT ANYWHERE. so to try and put me into any sort of category is just pointless. i am pagan but dont try to fit in by running around calling myself "witch" to be trendy.. (I know the difference... so i dont do it...)
i subscribe to polyamoury- but i dont want to be considered that anymore...
too many misinformed people thinking its all about wife swapping and indiscriminate fucking... no thanks..
i even DESPISE the term "friends with benefits". I dont fuck my friends. sex is not a BENEFIT. sex is a form/expression of my affection or emotional connection, or even just because there is chemistry. i ahev had some of the most intense connections with a few people that i have had sex with-- but we weren't "Lovers" or "boyfriend/girlfriend".. the only term people could identify with was "friends with benefits"... but ick.

i consider myself sexual. I love men, I love women. I dont have a preference... if there is attraction, and there is chemistry- i dont need to even think about labels. as far as the acts.. i just openly admittefd to enjoying oral from/for both men and women....

i gave up labeling myself after someone asked me to describe myself- and even tho the title... "Bisexual, polyamourous, soon to be divorced, pagan mother" was wordy-- it didnt describe me at all. Not at all. When i look at that title, that long string of words- I dont see me. And rather than redifine titles to fit me, I just have decided to just be me, and let ME describe ME- instead of a label.
>>i subscribe to polyamoury- but i dont want to be considered that anymore...
too many misinformed people thinking its all about wife swapping and indiscriminate fucking<<

I hear you loud and clear. People who hear that Scott and I have an open relationship WAY too often assume it means that we're both looking around for some on the side. About two years ago a guy came on to me, saying that he'd been told (by somebody who I won't name but you know her) that Scott and I were looking for "partners". Came as a complete surprise to me.
hey.. i was just trying to get you two some good PICKSBURGH ACTION.... can't blame a gal for trying.... *smirk*