Wisenheimer. (earthly_gnome) wrote in bi_and_beyond,

Something I ran into last night...

I was talking to someone last night, and the subject of Poly came up. She asked me what the "rules" were between my wife and I.

I explained it to her we have a very basic set of guidelines we follow, and anything outside of that is dealt with on a case by case basis. Honest discourse and all that happy stuff.

Then a certain subject came up and apparently my answer was difficult for her to understand, and so I am bring it to you. My trusted council.

Is it unusual to have a date or lover that your primary has never met?

This is not a situation that is typical for me, but I have had lovers that my wife has not met face-to-face. Usually, my lovers/secondary's are friends of mine or ours, so chances are that my wife has met them or will meet them eventually. But there are people that she hasn’t.

I don't, as a rule, bring my dates home to meet the misses. Nor does she insist that I do. There have even been times where my wife has preferred to not meet the other person.

I don’t think this is unusual, but apparently, this is not the "norm" *insert eyeroll here*

What do you think?
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This is funny, because my primary and I actually had a situation recently in which he broke things off with a lover primarily because we were both uncomfortable with the fact that there was no contact. We're very keen on the fact that everyone at least have a cursory 'getting along-ness' because for us, I think, it feels like there is no element of secrecy. There's also the factor (which came up in this recent situation) in which there isn't contact because one of the partners (in this case, and I'd imagine usually, the secondary) isn't able to deal with the 'polyamory' aspect of the situation.

To me it would seem to usually be the case that the reason for not meeting is that one of the parties has something about the situation that they can't handle, or that they need to keep secret, but I'd imagine that in your case that might not be the reasoning.

I would say, however, that the desire to know everyone involved does not run terribly deep. For something like a short love affair (1-3 months) I wouldn't feel the need to have anything more than a brief IM chat or the like with my primary's lover, but for something such as a key secondary partner I'd definately want to know hir well enough to know that she could work well in our lives.

Also possible that this comes up in my situation because my primary and I are best friends. Not in that hokey best friends kind of way, but really in more of the way that friends are when you make your dates meet them to see whether or not they are 'approved.' So for both of us it would be really awkward to see someone else that the other didn't accept, primarily for that reason.

Anyhow this has been long and rambly (my apologies) but I do hope that perhaps something can be gleaned from it.

No apologies needed for rambling. I do it myself. Often. Sometimes it winds up being the best way to get my point across.

What you say makes sense. I just never had anyone question that aspect before.

To me it would seem to usually be the case that the reason for not meeting is that one of the parties has something about the situation that they can't handle, or that they need to keep secret, but I'd imagine that in your case that might not be the reasoning.

That's not the reason at all. At least not between us.

*Warning: Rambling Ahead*

We are both fiercely independent people.

When one of us sees someone casually or sexually outside of our primary relationship, it usually, stays outside of the primary relationship.

For example, I start seeing someone casually. Unless that person and my wife are already friends, my wife has no real interest in meeting them or dealing with them in the confines of her life, and vice versa. My relationships are my own, as are hers. All we ask of each other is that we know whom the other is with, where you will be, how you can be gotten a hold of and, if asked, what you have done.

Should a situation arise where either of us needs to get involved in an outside relationship, then it will happen for whatever reason.

Someone becoming a Key Secondary is a whole other matter. That involves meeting, and approval and the whole 9 yards.

I am sure that this flies in the face of what some people consider the "norm", but it works for us. And to us, that is what matters. We are rebels! Woohoo!

or that they need to keep secret

I don’t mind being someone's secret (cheap thrill that it can be), but I always make sure that whoever I am with knows my situation, can understand/handle it, and understands that my wife will know about them.

If they can’t handle that, then we can’t be together.

See, told you I ramble too. Hope that made some sort of sense.

Made a lot of sense, yeah, and I think that we're actually quite similar except ours really isn't a "casual" "serious" divide but more of a time-length divide. Usually we don't need to get to know each others osos unless its been more than a few months.

Yay for rambling!